Arcadia drew me into this thread.  What are we going to do with her?

Her Questions:
Does the name you don’t like affect how you feel about the child and the child’s parents?

I hate to admit it but yes, there is an effect.  Names are important.  Google and you can find dozens of articles about how a child’s name influences how they’re perceived by teachers and employers and peers.  It matters.  I try not to let that show to her or them.  But painful honesty in the blog at least, right?
 
Would you be annoyed if your IPs chose one of your other children’s names as the name of their baby to be?  Would that be confusing for you?  Upsetting?

I’d probably be a little annoyed or a little upset but I’d eventually get over it.  It wouldn’t be confusing though.  Many people have the same names.  There just aren’t enough names.  I work with someone who has my daughter’s middle name as her first name.  My daughter has 2 “Cassidy” kids in her class at school.  It happens.
The children with different names on their original birth certificate and the amended one, do you think they’ll be confused some day?

I hope not.  I think you were so confused and upset because you never knew.  They’ll know.  Their parents aren’t hiding things.  I know Morrigan has her original birth certificate in her baby scrap book for her (and everyone else) to see.
The child that you didn’t name at all, do you think that some day she’ll be upset because you didn’t care enough to name her and let her just be Baby Girl?    

I don’t know, maybe.  It’s not really that I “didn’t care enough to name her.”  The agency discouraged it.  And the hospital didn’t even offer me the paperwork.  I didn’t know I could name her.  And her parents had already picked a name.  I instantly disliked it…but I didn’t’ want to tell them.  What if they had decided they didn’t want her if I didn’t like their name?

Why is she so interested in seeing one sibling but not in seeing the other?  Is it because she’s older now?  Or simply because of the age difference in general?  

Munchkin always asks about Raven and Raven’s sister.  What are they doing now?  Have you heard from their mom?  When can we go see them?  But I don’t know if her desire is to see Raven, or do the things we do when we get together.  Land of Little Horses.  Hershey park.  Boyd’s Bears.  Kid stuff that they all enjoy because they’re so close in age. 

She occasionally asks about Morrigan.  When she thinks of it, she will ask to call or will write a note to send.  That’s fine.  When we were visiting with both families back in November, she refused to stand close for pictures.  Why?  It doesn’t matter.  I closed ranks with her and insisted to the a-moms that if she didn’t want one, they didn’t get to push her or point a camera in her direction.  

Baby C is a year old and she still hasn’t met her.  I get the same response every time I mention a meeting.  That whiny “Mom do I have to go?”  That same tone of voice and phrase that she uses when I need to go to several errands at once or stop at a friends’ house that’s an hour away and she’s stuck coming along.    

I’d like her to meet Baby C’s parents and Baby C.  I feel that especially with the surrogacy on the horizon I really want her to just be comfortable with them.  Munchkin’s dad though thinks that especially with the surrogacy, we shouldn’t push her.  He goes back to my cousin comparison. 

“If they were cousins, would I let her see one cousin more than another if she had fun with one and didn’t want to see the other?”

And the answer is, “Yes.”  Actually, come to think of it, she does it with some of her cousins.  She’s mostly interested in the ones within a few years of her age. 

I want to argue that they’re not cousins…they’re bio-siblings.  And if they were siblings living in the same household, they’d have to learn to get along…but really, how much would a 7 year old play with a 1 year old?  I asked mom how much I played with my youngest sister…and she pointed out that I spent most of my time growing up trying not to have to play baby stuff with her.  Fair enough.

So for now, her choice prevails. 

Baby C turned 1 today.  I can hardly believe it.  I had a migraine today, killer type can't see out of one eye and want to die migraine.  It's at a manageable level now and I'm riding the high of prescription migraine medication.  My last pair of Fiorinal.  

Yesterday, my munchkin was sick and I had to skip Baby C's birthday party.  I couldn't leave munchkin with a sitter, even grandma, when she was feeling so bad.  I called to let them know and Baby C's mom took it well.  That was nice.

I remember the first time I told Raven's mom that I couldn't make a visit because munchkin was sick.  Raven was 3 years old.  Her mom had canceled visits before but never me.  Raven's mom gave me the guilt trip, that Raven would be disappointed.  I apologized.  She asked why I couldn't leave munchkin with someone else; wasn't Raven important enough for that?  Well, no.  I'm sorry that she was disappointed...but she had her parents to explain and support her.  Munchkin only has me and expects Mommy to be there when she's sick.  I still felt like crap for canceling...and worried that I wouldn't get another visit...but I did a few weeks later.  Munchkin was feeling better and the girls played and all was good.  

I'm not worried that Baby C's mom will not invite me next time because I couldn't come this time.  She understands, I think.  I won't make a habit of canceling...but I will if I have to and I don't have to worry.  It's nice that they're so easy to get along with.  

But anyway, it's Baby C's birthday.  Happy Birthday Baby C!  (I wonder how long I'll be able to dub her "Baby C")  Here are the links to the posts her mom and I made last year when she was born in the Birth Story section.  It's cool that they're still there.

My Story
JessWho's Story

Tomorrow, I'll see Baby C.  Her parents are having her birthday party a day early.  It's going to be crazy.  I almost can't believe that I agreed to go. Am I a masochist to go do the things that are hardest and hurt me the most?  Huge gathering of too many people I don't know.  Plus Baby C on the day before her birthday.  That day last year was her last day safe inside of me.  Some days hit harder than others.  Munchkin will not be going, partially for me and partially for her.

I haven't seen Raven or Morrigan since the November visit with both of them.  Haven't talked to them either except that Morrigan's brother did text me a really cute picture of their mom and Morrigan on Valentine's day.  He's a teenager, they like text messages.  

If thing go according to pattern, Raven's mom will contact me within a month or so.  She gets quiet in the winter when the kids get sick more and the days are short.  The first year, we met once when Raven was 11 months old and in that terrible phase when she was afraid of strangers.  It tore me apart, but her mom was pretty cheerful.  Her second year, we visited 4 times.  Her third year, 6 times.  Her fourth year, we visited 4 times - August, October, the early November visit with Morrigan's family, and June.  This year (R is 5!) I saw them in November at the visit with Morrigan's family and I haven't seen them since.  The lack of contact doesn't suprise me.  I've found Raven's mom to be highly unpredictable and Raven has her own opinion of things too.  She doesn't really know me but she does like to play with Munchkin.  Munchkin likes to play with her too, misses her, and wants me to call her often.  I let her wwrite letters but don't send them.   I wonder in the quiet times if I should contact her...but I never do because I don't want to intrude and I'll hide if I can.  

Morrigan's mom will contact me in May with just a link to spring pictures.  And again in the summer with vacation pictures.  Munchkin's dad will be in their area in July for a gamer geek thing and I know they plan to capture him for at least a short while.  If we're lucky, they'll visit in the fall again.  I know I could go visit and they'd welcome it but I never have.  It's a long drive.  I could contact them more often too.  Morrigan's mom and I used to email on a regular basis and talk abotu all sorts of things.  But at that first joint visit, Morrigan's mom and Raven's mom exchanged contact information...and I haven't chatted with Morrigan's mom casually since.  I can't keep them from talking, why would I want to?  But if I email one and don't email the other, will they tell and what will they think?  Contacting Morrigan's mom wouldn't be seen as an intrusion, but contacting Raven's mom might.  

They haven't met Baby C's mom yet.  I told them by letter the cowards way after TPR was already done but we haven't talked about it.  At some point, we probably have to talk and they'll all meet but I'm not in a hurry.  I don't want to do it at all.

On SMO, one of the women who is pregnant with her own child decided to place for adoption with another member.  It’s like Jess and I, or before that, Jenni and Jess.  Everyone is wishing them congratulations and is excited.  I’m sure we’ll all eagerly watch it play out on the boards and like they did for me and Jess, they’ll probably occasionally forget that it’s an adoption and not a surrogacy. 

Everyone who is congratulating this woman only 7 weeks pregnant on her decision to place is an idiot.  Congratulations?  Are they kidding?  They owe her condolences and she doesn’t seem to realize it.  I wished her good luck and said that I hoped it would be what she thought.  It was the only positive thing I could think of to say to her.  To the hopeful adoptive parents, congrats to them on the match; I can see why they’re excited.    It’s like with me and J though, they wished us congratulations and were so excited…but for almost all of them, their excitement is pointed at the potential a-parents. 

Very few remember and acknowledge that despite the moments of excitement over a good match, that for the e-mom planning to place, there are doubts and fears and pain.  That will be worse as the pregnancy progresses, peak after the birth, and gradually subside to a manageable level.  The hurt will never completely go away, every happiness will be bittersweet, and the people on SMO forget.  I feel like the doom-sayer when they’re so excited but it makes me angry and sad that they’re so blind.   No one wants to acknowledge the pain that will be.

And this woman who says so early in her pregnancy that she will place, chooses parents, and will be on SMO shouting it to the world?  What if she has second thoughts?  What if she decides to keep the baby?  It’s adoption.  It’s her right.  But everyone will jump down her throat if she makes that decision.  Knowing their feelings, she may feel she can’t back away from the plan without being chased from a community she loves.    It stinks. 

It’s just a bad idea.  But no one really cares about my thoughts on the matter.  I’ll post them here because I need to get them out but not on SMO.  I’ll try not to dim the enjoyment of the happy shiny people. 

I've been invited to Baby C's birthday party.  I'm horribly torn.  I want to go and I probably will go but over 50 people were invited.  It's going to be big and crazy and also an emotional day...  S still has to check his work schedule for that weekend so he doesn't know if he's coming.

I haven't yet discussed the invite with Munchkin.  I don't foresee that conversation going well.  She's just not interested in Baby C.  She's interested in herself and her T-Ball, school, friends.  To her, the bio-connection isn't important now.  Baby C is just another baby who can't do anything fun.  She's boring.  

I'm at the cusp again and have to decide whether to follow my usually strong feelings on parenting.  I believe that munchkin is her own person already.  She's 7 but that doesn't make her feelings about subjects invalid.  If her choices are not what I would prefer, they're still her choices, her feelings.  It's my job as a parent to support her as she grows.  Based on that and taking out thoughts of everyone except me and Munchkin, I'd say offer her the choice to go and if she refuses...well, it's her choice.  

But it's not a normal situation.  It's adoption.  It's not a secret...but should I still allow her her feelings and choices even if they may not benefit the OA with Baby C?    And even asking that question feels silly.  If her feelings and opinions are valid, they're valid always, right?  Sometimes I override her feelings with a parental decision, usually for her safety...but this isn't really that extreme...

Relationships are strange things, ever changing and complex.  I was afraid of Raven’s parents for years.  I still feel a vague wariness and a sadness that they don’t like me.  They’re unpredictable and sometimes hurtful.  They’re Raven’s parents but I don’t feel any particular closeness to them, only the tolerance for an aunt or a cousin that I don’t particularly like but have to see at family reunions anyway.  Morrigan’s parents are politely distant, consistent in their expectations from me and keeping their promises but otherwise unpredictable.  I like them and can relate to them about some things other than Morrigan.  We don’t talk often and I wouldn’t say we’re close or even friends but I do like them for themselves. C’s parents are different.  I want to trust them and be close to them.  I like them.   Especially C’s mom who I had known online for a while.  I start to trust and fall into the cheerful banter of friends; I feel like I can talk to them about anything.  Then, I panic and pull back.  My experience with a-parents has led me to believe that they are dangerous and unpredictable creatures.  Why should this set be any different?  Then I flip the thinking around.  Why aren’t the other families like this one that I’ve only known for a short time?  And then I give up trying to compare.  I try to live in the now.  I take C’s parents at face value as themselves until the next wave of uncertainty hits.   They’re getting less frequent as the months pass but last night, one attacked me.  This morning, I’m over it and my worries seem silly.  Good for me. 

Today, on the premium section of SMO so I won't name names...someone thanked me for "giving baby C to J."  I know that the person and others who have said similar things mean well.  But why can't they understand? 

I didn't do it because J wanted to be a mom.  I did it so baby C could have the best family I could find.  J happened to be my first choice and it worked out but it wasn't for the parents. 

I don't know why now, almost 10 months post-placement such simple statements can still have the power to make me want to scream and in general lash out in anger and hurt.  How can people understand how much such statements hurt when they mean to praise and not wound?  They don't if no one tells them and I just don't know how...

I know this came about because there is a renewed focus on J & I since I agreed be a TS and carry C's sibling.  That choice was for the family.  Because I think J&S are great and should have more kids if they want them.  It's because I want to be the one to carry C's sibling and was thrilled to be considered.  But the original placement...that was for baby C, not the adults.

Baby C's mom took her for an RSV test and a chest x-ray around 1pm. She hasn't posted an update yet.  I really just need to stop reading her page.  I'm going to drive myself nuts.  Is it better to have these updates and learn the little bits of her life?  Or is it better to remain oblivious and not worry?  Does the comfort of knowing when things are good outweigh the worry and 'mom reaction' of knowing she's sick and not being able to do anything? 

Intellectually, I know I'm not the parent.  It's not my responsibility to take care of her when she's sick.   With munchkin, when she's sick, I just feel so bad, like I should be able to help even when I know that medically, I'm doing all I can.  Even if I can't change things, I have to try.  Instinct, not intellect.  And it doesn't go away.

I wish that I could say that I'm content to sit here and type and let Baby C's parents deal with it like she was the child of any of my friends.  But I'm not.  I'm going quietly out of my mind.  And it's my own fault because I like the good updates so I just have to deal with the bad ones.