In my daughter’s classroom, each child shares something every week.  Sometimes they have an assigned topic but mostly, they just talk about whatever they want and can bring things in to share.  I got a phone call from the teacher today about my daughter’s sharing. 

As soon as I saw the school’s number, I knew why they were calling.  Munchkin and I talked about this last night and she was determined to share her story about my sister’s cat.  I tried to explain that some students might not understand and she couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t understand.  To her, it was simple and true.  I had misgivings…but she was stubborn and the sharing is supposed to be about what they want to tell.  She was so proud that she helped Auntie with the training by manning the water gun.  So I helped her find pictures and sent her in.

What was the story?  One of my sister’s tom cats was a serious bit of trouble and he was spraying urine everywhere in her apartment.  She tried lots of different things but eventually, the decision was made to get him snipped.  After that, they still had to work to get him not to spray and now he’s doing much better and my sister’s apartment smells good. 

Except, you have to know my daughter. Or maybe just 7-year-olds.  Everything is dramatic.  “and no matter what Aunt….. tried, he just wouldn’t stop spraying urine on the walls and it was yuck! So she took him to the cat doctor and the vet chopped off Rascal’s testicles.  That’s supposed to make him a better pet and he is nicer now and only urinates in the litter box.”  Her presentation was completed by three photos of the back end of Rascal, pre-surgery, the day after surgery, and all healed up. 

The sharing is supposed to encourage good public speaking habits and to show the diversity of the people in the classroom. It does and I bet it also shows a wide-range of parenting styles as well.  Some will be distinctly unhappy but I just don’t care.  I told the teacher so too.  Sheltering kids too much does them no good.  They should be glad that I vetoed the very graphic birth pictures of the kittens sired by the tom before his snipping.   

Sometimes I wrap myself in knots over the silliest things.  I want to say that it's not important but to me, deep down, it feel important even though on the surface, it seems silly.  I hate that.  And I won't write about it because who knows who is reading here?  Why did I give up the safe password protected blog?  There, I could have written about these things that I have so bottled up.  But really, who would have wanted to read it?  Probably no one but I would have felt better to write it, the posting would have been to let it go, to release the thoughts.  And now, I can't.  It's okay.  There are benefits to this type of blog.  Open and out there...or so I try to tell myself.  Typing this helps a little but not enough.  You can't imagine the frustration of trying to get these feelings out without letting you out there in internet land actually know what's bothering me.  The frustration seems like a welcome distraction.

My safe blog with the password is gone.  The public boards don't feel safe.   Em has infected me with her paranoia just as she is starting to feel comfortable.   And me, who never cared has kept her fingers still on opinions that I would have previously voiced.  And all because of a comment in an unrelated place but it felt like the gods' own truth...and if I trust this thing as true, I can't keep continuing without a change.  

Nothings changed and everything's changed.  It's still changing, readjusting.  Change is good but it's still hard sometimes.   Love and hate.  Anger.  Sadness.  I'm adjusting my view of the internet world.

Arcadia is matched. And I had to find out by reading her blog.  I can’t believe she didn’t call me.  And who she matched with!  I know them.  I wouldn’t work with them for anything…but I know them.  She’s happy about the match though; that’s the important thing.  Maybe, depending when they do insems, we can be pregnant together again!
 

I let some of the people in my life find out about my surrogacy journey that way.  Some read my blog, some stalk me on SMO.  It is understood that I don’t want to discuss it with them unless I bring it up.  But now, I’m on the other end and it pinches.  I feel silly for feeling offended that she didn’t call, but I do feel offended.  

Ginger is feeling forgotten tonight.  Just sad and alone.  They went out without asking me to go.  And I may not have gone.  I probably wouldn't have gone.  Because I'm a responsible adult with a child and because I just don't enjoy that type of thing...but they didn't ask.  I guess if you say no often enough, they stop asking.  

It's funny how excitement can turn to indifference and happiness to hurt.  It's no ones fault.  Just the ebb and flow of a Geminii's moods.  Yesterday, it wouldn't have bothered me or even suprised me.  Today, it's a painful jag.  And tomorrow, I probably won't care anymore.  

Tonight though, I'm cold and sad and alone.  I just want it to be warm again, and bright.  When I get up in the morning to go to work, the sun hasn't even considered rising.  I work in a place where it's a 2 minute walk and a flight of stairs to find a window not in an Exec's office.  And when I leave work, the sky is already a dim grey even though it's mid-afternoon.  And in the night, I can see the casino lights reflected off of the clouds.  But it's not sunlight.  It's not the moon and stars.  

Tomorow, I'll make an effort to find the sun or if there's no sun to be found, at least a little bit of warmth.  That much I can do.  Tomorrow, I may not even feel it's necessary, but I'll find it anyway.  It will be good for me. 

Relationships are strange things, ever changing and complex.  I was afraid of Raven’s parents for years.  I still feel a vague wariness and a sadness that they don’t like me.  They’re unpredictable and sometimes hurtful.  They’re Raven’s parents but I don’t feel any particular closeness to them, only the tolerance for an aunt or a cousin that I don’t particularly like but have to see at family reunions anyway.  Morrigan’s parents are politely distant, consistent in their expectations from me and keeping their promises but otherwise unpredictable.  I like them and can relate to them about some things other than Morrigan.  We don’t talk often and I wouldn’t say we’re close or even friends but I do like them for themselves. C’s parents are different.  I want to trust them and be close to them.  I like them.   Especially C’s mom who I had known online for a while.  I start to trust and fall into the cheerful banter of friends; I feel like I can talk to them about anything.  Then, I panic and pull back.  My experience with a-parents has led me to believe that they are dangerous and unpredictable creatures.  Why should this set be any different?  Then I flip the thinking around.  Why aren’t the other families like this one that I’ve only known for a short time?  And then I give up trying to compare.  I try to live in the now.  I take C’s parents at face value as themselves until the next wave of uncertainty hits.   They’re getting less frequent as the months pass but last night, one attacked me.  This morning, I’m over it and my worries seem silly.  Good for me. 

Today, on the premium section of SMO so I won't name names...someone thanked me for "giving baby C to J."  I know that the person and others who have said similar things mean well.  But why can't they understand? 

I didn't do it because J wanted to be a mom.  I did it so baby C could have the best family I could find.  J happened to be my first choice and it worked out but it wasn't for the parents. 

I don't know why now, almost 10 months post-placement such simple statements can still have the power to make me want to scream and in general lash out in anger and hurt.  How can people understand how much such statements hurt when they mean to praise and not wound?  They don't if no one tells them and I just don't know how...

I know this came about because there is a renewed focus on J & I since I agreed be a TS and carry C's sibling.  That choice was for the family.  Because I think J&S are great and should have more kids if they want them.  It's because I want to be the one to carry C's sibling and was thrilled to be considered.  But the original placement...that was for baby C, not the adults.

Probably not.  I enjoy the me that I am.  Sure, I could stand to lose some weight.  There are family issues that are problems, and I have some things I'd like to do in the new year...but they're not new things.  They're goals that build on previous goals.  Or they are continuations of the path I have been on.  I don't see any major changes anytime soon.