Why?

Sometimes I wrap myself in knots over the silliest things.  I want to say that it's not important but to me, deep down, it feel important even though on the surface, it seems silly.  I hate that.  And I won't write about it because who knows who is reading here?  Why did I give up the safe password protected blog?  There, I could have written about these things that I have so bottled up.  But really, who would have wanted to read it?  Probably no one but I would have felt better to write it, the posting would have been to let it go, to release the thoughts.  And now, I can't.  It's okay.  There are benefits to this type of blog.  Open and out there...or so I try to tell myself.  Typing this helps a little but not enough.  You can't imagine the frustration of trying to get these feelings out without letting you out there in internet land actually know what's bothering me.  The frustration seems like a welcome distraction.

My safe blog with the password is gone.  The public boards don't feel safe.   Em has infected me with her paranoia just as she is starting to feel comfortable.   And me, who never cared has kept her fingers still on opinions that I would have previously voiced.  And all because of a comment in an unrelated place but it felt like the gods' own truth...and if I trust this thing as true, I can't keep continuing without a change.  

Nothings changed and everything's changed.  It's still changing, readjusting.  Change is good but it's still hard sometimes.   Love and hate.  Anger.  Sadness.  I'm adjusting my view of the internet world.