It's been a rough weekend all around...and this hits me harder than my grandmother being in the hospital Saturday.  My grandmother is okay.  Discharged with instructions to monitor her blood sugar more carefully.  

But Dee died tonight.  Life will never be the same again.  Already, less than an hour later, I've had one person tell me she was "just a rabbit."  She was not "just" anything.  She was part of my life for over 5 years.  

She slept with me at night, sat beside me on the couch while I watched TV, greeted me when I came home from work.  

She twined between my ankles like a cat, trying to trip me in her silly bunny dance while I paced with contractions my last few pregnancies.  

She lay on my lap while I played endless rounds of Viva Pinata on insomnia nights.

She bit me countless times when I reached into her cage for the food bowl to feed her.  Left bruises too...

She destroyed cages, litterboxes, carpets, curtains, pillows, and my clothes - sometimes while I was wearing them.  

She burrowed under the covers to cuddle around my feet.  

She stood up in her cage, stretching to touch my nose with hers.

And now she'll never do those things again.  How can life go on?  Why did she have to die so soon?  We knew it was approaching but I wasn't ready.  The vet said a few weeks ago that she was just old.  House Rabbits can have a life span of 10-15 years but they can't all live so long, in fact, most don't.  

Goodbye my wonderful destructive demonic bunny...
We love you Dee...

The Good
Yesterday, Munchkin had her first T-ball practice.  I took the dog along.  Munchkin has a good throwing arm but a lack of attention.  I spent the whole practice worrying that she would get hit in the head with a ball she didn’t see was coming because she was picking at the grass.  Casper was my good boy and allowed the whole team to surround and pet him.  I stopped things when he started to look a little stressed but he wouldn’t have been able to deal with it for even a little while 6 months ago …yea Casper! 

 

In our Manners class, there is:

-A female black lab who is three years old and pretty well behaved.

-A male standard labradoodle – 9 months old - very bouncy and friendly

-A male German Shepherd mix – mostly friendly but not very controlled.  He’s a rescue.

-A female Maltese – she is also a rescue.  For her first year she was a puppy mill dog; she lived in a tiny cage and had a litter before she was a year old.  Now, she’s just really timid.

-A Jack Russell Mix puppy – 6 months old, very bouncy, barks the whole class. 

-And Casper who is my darling puppy love but is really a dunce on leash behaviors.  He sits, lays down, begs, dances, crawls, and is slowly understanding “roll over” but he thinks he has to be at the end of any leash he’s walking on whether it’s 6 feet or 25 feet.   

 

Class is a little crazy with that many dogs but it’s good for Casper.  He needs practice paying attention to me. 

 

Today, I went to pick up my rats.  They are pure cuteness.  They’re just weaned so they’re still pretty small and being female, probably won’t get too huge.  I love their teeny tiny little hands and the way they hold food while they nibble.  They’re from a breeder who handles all of the little ratlings at least twice per day.  The parents were both super friendly and the little darlings swarmed out of their cage and up my arm as soon as the cage door was opened.  I’m in love. 

 

They haven’t yet been introduced to the dog or the rabbits yet.  I want to give them time to settle in and feel safe before I add new scary things. 

 

Tomorrow I have game.  After that session, I should (if I’m lucky) have enough experience to learn the second level of Protean.  Once my character learns that, she’ll be able to grow claws.  That’s an important thing because being a woman she’s not expected to carry a sword.  She can carry concealed knives or daggers but they don’t do as much damage.  The only weapon she has that will deal aggravated damage (harder for other supernaturals to heal) is her teeth and it’s hard to bite someone in the middle of a fight.  Claws will be better. 

The Bad

I was on my way home from picking up the rats when my sister called me.  They had to call an ambulance for my grandmother.  I'm guessing from the description that it was a stroke...but I'm not a doctor and the hospital just says that they have to do more tests.  I'm waiting by the phone for updates.  I thought about going down to the hospital but I don't think I could be much help.  I'd probably just be in the way.  Mom is with Nana and I've done my shae of sitting in teh hospital with mom.  If they need me there, they can call me. 

Why is she so interested in seeing one sibling but not in seeing the other?  Is it because she’s older now?  Or simply because of the age difference in general?  

Munchkin always asks about Raven and Raven’s sister.  What are they doing now?  Have you heard from their mom?  When can we go see them?  But I don’t know if her desire is to see Raven, or do the things we do when we get together.  Land of Little Horses.  Hershey park.  Boyd’s Bears.  Kid stuff that they all enjoy because they’re so close in age. 

She occasionally asks about Morrigan.  When she thinks of it, she will ask to call or will write a note to send.  That’s fine.  When we were visiting with both families back in November, she refused to stand close for pictures.  Why?  It doesn’t matter.  I closed ranks with her and insisted to the a-moms that if she didn’t want one, they didn’t get to push her or point a camera in her direction.  

Baby C is a year old and she still hasn’t met her.  I get the same response every time I mention a meeting.  That whiny “Mom do I have to go?”  That same tone of voice and phrase that she uses when I need to go to several errands at once or stop at a friends’ house that’s an hour away and she’s stuck coming along.    

I’d like her to meet Baby C’s parents and Baby C.  I feel that especially with the surrogacy on the horizon I really want her to just be comfortable with them.  Munchkin’s dad though thinks that especially with the surrogacy, we shouldn’t push her.  He goes back to my cousin comparison. 

“If they were cousins, would I let her see one cousin more than another if she had fun with one and didn’t want to see the other?”

And the answer is, “Yes.”  Actually, come to think of it, she does it with some of her cousins.  She’s mostly interested in the ones within a few years of her age. 

I want to argue that they’re not cousins…they’re bio-siblings.  And if they were siblings living in the same household, they’d have to learn to get along…but really, how much would a 7 year old play with a 1 year old?  I asked mom how much I played with my youngest sister…and she pointed out that I spent most of my time growing up trying not to have to play baby stuff with her.  Fair enough.

So for now, her choice prevails. 

Baby C turned 1 today.  I can hardly believe it.  I had a migraine today, killer type can't see out of one eye and want to die migraine.  It's at a manageable level now and I'm riding the high of prescription migraine medication.  My last pair of Fiorinal.  

Yesterday, my munchkin was sick and I had to skip Baby C's birthday party.  I couldn't leave munchkin with a sitter, even grandma, when she was feeling so bad.  I called to let them know and Baby C's mom took it well.  That was nice.

I remember the first time I told Raven's mom that I couldn't make a visit because munchkin was sick.  Raven was 3 years old.  Her mom had canceled visits before but never me.  Raven's mom gave me the guilt trip, that Raven would be disappointed.  I apologized.  She asked why I couldn't leave munchkin with someone else; wasn't Raven important enough for that?  Well, no.  I'm sorry that she was disappointed...but she had her parents to explain and support her.  Munchkin only has me and expects Mommy to be there when she's sick.  I still felt like crap for canceling...and worried that I wouldn't get another visit...but I did a few weeks later.  Munchkin was feeling better and the girls played and all was good.  

I'm not worried that Baby C's mom will not invite me next time because I couldn't come this time.  She understands, I think.  I won't make a habit of canceling...but I will if I have to and I don't have to worry.  It's nice that they're so easy to get along with.  

But anyway, it's Baby C's birthday.  Happy Birthday Baby C!  (I wonder how long I'll be able to dub her "Baby C")  Here are the links to the posts her mom and I made last year when she was born in the Birth Story section.  It's cool that they're still there.

My Story
JessWho's Story

Tomorrow, I'll see Baby C.  Her parents are having her birthday party a day early.  It's going to be crazy.  I almost can't believe that I agreed to go. Am I a masochist to go do the things that are hardest and hurt me the most?  Huge gathering of too many people I don't know.  Plus Baby C on the day before her birthday.  That day last year was her last day safe inside of me.  Some days hit harder than others.  Munchkin will not be going, partially for me and partially for her.

I haven't seen Raven or Morrigan since the November visit with both of them.  Haven't talked to them either except that Morrigan's brother did text me a really cute picture of their mom and Morrigan on Valentine's day.  He's a teenager, they like text messages.  

If thing go according to pattern, Raven's mom will contact me within a month or so.  She gets quiet in the winter when the kids get sick more and the days are short.  The first year, we met once when Raven was 11 months old and in that terrible phase when she was afraid of strangers.  It tore me apart, but her mom was pretty cheerful.  Her second year, we visited 4 times.  Her third year, 6 times.  Her fourth year, we visited 4 times - August, October, the early November visit with Morrigan's family, and June.  This year (R is 5!) I saw them in November at the visit with Morrigan's family and I haven't seen them since.  The lack of contact doesn't suprise me.  I've found Raven's mom to be highly unpredictable and Raven has her own opinion of things too.  She doesn't really know me but she does like to play with Munchkin.  Munchkin likes to play with her too, misses her, and wants me to call her often.  I let her wwrite letters but don't send them.   I wonder in the quiet times if I should contact her...but I never do because I don't want to intrude and I'll hide if I can.  

Morrigan's mom will contact me in May with just a link to spring pictures.  And again in the summer with vacation pictures.  Munchkin's dad will be in their area in July for a gamer geek thing and I know they plan to capture him for at least a short while.  If we're lucky, they'll visit in the fall again.  I know I could go visit and they'd welcome it but I never have.  It's a long drive.  I could contact them more often too.  Morrigan's mom and I used to email on a regular basis and talk abotu all sorts of things.  But at that first joint visit, Morrigan's mom and Raven's mom exchanged contact information...and I haven't chatted with Morrigan's mom casually since.  I can't keep them from talking, why would I want to?  But if I email one and don't email the other, will they tell and what will they think?  Contacting Morrigan's mom wouldn't be seen as an intrusion, but contacting Raven's mom might.  

They haven't met Baby C's mom yet.  I told them by letter the cowards way after TPR was already done but we haven't talked about it.  At some point, we probably have to talk and they'll all meet but I'm not in a hurry.  I don't want to do it at all.

Today they will pull the plug on my cousin...well, not really.  They'll wheel him into surgery to harvest organs.  It's over and I'm glad.  Not glad that he's dead...but glad that his remains will no longer be in the hospital to be tortured.  He wasn't in that body and I'm glad his wife was willing to let it go.  

Here's the original support post from SMO on 3/5/09:  Genetic Killer
My cousin died yesterday morning, just keeled over at his desk. They started his heart back up, pumped him full of blood, and took him into surgery for 10 hours. They patched him up and waited but there’s still no brain activity. There wasn’t any before the surgery either and there was a very slim chance that the surgery wouldn’t kill him…but not having it definitely would have. He’s not alive though even though machines are forcing the body on the bed to breathe. It’s my nightmare.

He wasn’t a close cousin, the child of my grandmother’s niece. So, my third cousin. He’s only two years older than me and while we weren’t best friends, I knew him. He was one of the tall cousins with the lurking killer in his genes. Full blown Marfan Syndrome confirmed at age 17. Heart surgery at 21 and an aortic repair at 23. He was married last summer. His wife is 10 weeks pregnant.

Would you choose to breed if you knew that there was a 50% chance that your offspring would have your defective gene? And that this particular genetic screw up had the power to cause trouble in most major body systems? Marfan Syndrome. http://www.marfan.org

A diagnosis requires major involvement with several body systems; people with a genetic link and one major system involved or several systems involved in minor ways are labels ‘emerging’ and watched closely. It can remain “emerging” all of your life or be full blown before you hit twenty. Left with all symptoms completely untreated and ignored, it usually kills it’s carriers between the age of 30 and 50…but with modern medical treatment, Marfan’s patients can live a long full life. It can occur as a spontaneous mutation or be inherited. They say it doesn’t skip generations but there’s a very fine line between ‘emerging’ and full blown.

My maternal grandmother is old. Technically, her Marfan’s is still ‘emerging’ because there are a lot of minor involvements and the major system involvements could just be age at this point. She got lucky. My mother is 43 and has had two heart surgeries; she’s always in pain from a spine that’s curved out of shape. She was not so lucky. My younger sister, she’s emerging – with major involvements in her cardiovascular system and in genetics plus some minor skeletal changes.

I should feel lucky that I’m classified as safe. I had a 50% chance of getting it and I didn’t. I’m average height and in normal proportions. My joints aren’t too flexible. My heart and aorta are normal. They checked very carefully when mom was first diagnosed. So I’m not doomed, and my children are safe. I can’t pass on a bad copy of a gene when I didn’t get a bad copy.

But today, knowing that my cousin died, it’s hitting me hard. He was careful, took precautions, saw the cardiologist quarterly. He had his whole life to live and a baby on the way. But Marfans got him. And it could take my mother or my sister.

I try to be philosophical about it. Death could take any of us, any time. I’m glad that I don’t have that ticking time bomb in my chest; And I feel bad because I feel lucky.

So Casper is registered for the manners class.  Sometimes, I think these classes are helping us a lot.  Others, I think they're a waste of time.  The classes aren't really any good if I don't follow up, work with him, and reinforce.  The classes give me the method but alone they mean little.  Next Saturday, Casper will have to miss his class so I can go to Baby C's birthday party.  It won't really matter.  And the Saturday after that, we'll pick up wiht Manners in teh same time slot:  10:15-11:15 Saturday morning.  

I skipped today's concession stand meeting in favor of continuing the Vampire game a little longer.  My character, Isabelle, is charming and amazingly deadly.  Because of her gender and the time period (during the crusades) people underestimate her.  She's on the Road of Heaven and restricts her feeding to only bad people.  There are plenty to hunt in Rome of those times, and good games to be had.  With an 8 rating in her current road, there are a lot of things I can't do with her...but the things I can are quite fun.  This week, I convinced a priest with 'true faith' to let me have some holy water instead of chasing me from the church and I got to kill a demon.

Dee, my 5-year-old wonderful destructive bunny isn't eating much and is refusing dry food entirely.  She's losing weight.  I'm loading her up with fresh greens, fruit, and veggies.  The vet assures me that there's no bowel obstruction (which is common in rabbits).  She's just getting older.  Some rabbits can live 12-15 years but Dee is a large breed, not spayed, and probably from bad lines since she's a pet store bunny.  

Oh...and if you're on Facebook, add me!  And then come join my Mafia.  I need more Mafia members. 

It’s past time to register for Casper’s next class and I can’t decide what to do.  The trainer suggests “Manners” as the next step after Beginners.  There are two Manner’s classes starting the week after our last Beginner class.  Manners classes are a mix between dogs from the beginner class and dogs form the puppy class.  Some will be only 18 weeks old. 

The Saturday class will probably full.  She described the 4 dogs currently registered (max is 6) and at least one will probably bark the whole class.  The Monday class currently only has 1 dog registered…but the owner is an idiot (my phrasing, not the trainer’s) and the dog will be out of control.  So which is worse, a barking dog or one who won’t listen? 

In addition, there are times in each class when we have to do things with the others watching.  In a class of Just Casper and one other dog, that’s not a big deal…but the Saturday class will have more people.  Will it be enough to throw my public speaking’ anxiety into effect if we have to do something in front of the group?  I don’t know.  Hopefully not but it’s a worry. 

She recommends Manners, probably for a good reason, but she won’t force me to take it.  I want to take either “Loose Leash Walking” which is a 5-week course focused on his weakest area or something fun like Rally, Tracking, or Agility.  I want a small class.  I want everyone to have their dogs quiet and under control.  I have to accept that I can’t control what they do, only what I do.  Except that if what they do infringes upon me, then they can force me into choices I don’t want to have to make.  So I wait and consider until that waiting becomes a choice in itself. 

Yesterday. 

Concession Stand Committee Meeting.  Yuck.  People who have their children late in life by choice or by chance just seem so odd sometimes to me.  There are so many differences.  That’s not bad, but sometimes, it makes it hard to relate to them.  I am, predictably, the youngest.  I know of only one mom in the district with a second grade child who is younger than I am.  Even the kindergartener moms are usually older than me. 

They’ve had life experiences.  They lived in dorms, maybe did a lot of traveling and spring break stunts, are working at higher levels in their chosen career or can afford to have one parent staying at home.  When they were my age, they may have been partying all night or working 60 hour weeks.  They look at me and they see themselves at my age so of course, I must be that carefree irresponsible person that they were.  I have friends now who are my age and barely more responsible than some teens.  They see their experiences and it blinds them to my reality. 

Yes, I’m twenty five.  No, I’m not the person they were.  I never had a chance.  I’ve been mom.  And while I’ve had my share of partying and wild behavior, I always knew that there had to be money and time for the munchkin.  My moments were stolen, carefully planned in advance so I could have a sitter, paid for in guilt because I wasn’t with the munchkin. 

And even those who realize that truth about me and understand how the life of a teen parent shapes us, they pity us because they only see what we missed.  They only see the hurts and the hard times.  They see toys that they provide that I couldn’t.  They see that I couldn’t stay home, don’t have time to volunteer in the classroom, don’t go to PTA meetings and they can’t imagine their life without those things.  They’ve grown into them and they enjoy them. 

But they don’t understand that at 25, my family is finished.  I had a slower start than they did to college and career but I’ll never have to derail my career to take care of an infant.  As my work becomes more demanding, my child will be becoming more self-sufficient.  My daughter will be going to college when I’m 36.  And I’ll have the rest of my life left ahead of me to enjoy. 

But some of them are as old as my parents, or older and they can be so d*mn condescending that it drives me nuts.  It’s just like the brownie troop parents and I hate it already but I can’t keep munchkin from participating just because I don’t want to deal with the parents.  Sigh…