I had Jackson Hewitt do my 2008 taxes, all of them.  State and local were even and I have already gotten my federal return.  But today, I got a letter from the IRS.  Pure panic just seeing the letter.  My hands shook as I opened it and I’m still riding the buzz.  My return was incorrect and they’ve made an adjustment.  I’m due $382 more money.  Relief.  I wonder if they’ll direct deposit it or send a check? 

On SMO, one of the women who is pregnant with her own child decided to place for adoption with another member.  It’s like Jess and I, or before that, Jenni and Jess.  Everyone is wishing them congratulations and is excited.  I’m sure we’ll all eagerly watch it play out on the boards and like they did for me and Jess, they’ll probably occasionally forget that it’s an adoption and not a surrogacy. 

Everyone who is congratulating this woman only 7 weeks pregnant on her decision to place is an idiot.  Congratulations?  Are they kidding?  They owe her condolences and she doesn’t seem to realize it.  I wished her good luck and said that I hoped it would be what she thought.  It was the only positive thing I could think of to say to her.  To the hopeful adoptive parents, congrats to them on the match; I can see why they’re excited.    It’s like with me and J though, they wished us congratulations and were so excited…but for almost all of them, their excitement is pointed at the potential a-parents. 

Very few remember and acknowledge that despite the moments of excitement over a good match, that for the e-mom planning to place, there are doubts and fears and pain.  That will be worse as the pregnancy progresses, peak after the birth, and gradually subside to a manageable level.  The hurt will never completely go away, every happiness will be bittersweet, and the people on SMO forget.  I feel like the doom-sayer when they’re so excited but it makes me angry and sad that they’re so blind.   No one wants to acknowledge the pain that will be.

And this woman who says so early in her pregnancy that she will place, chooses parents, and will be on SMO shouting it to the world?  What if she has second thoughts?  What if she decides to keep the baby?  It’s adoption.  It’s her right.  But everyone will jump down her throat if she makes that decision.  Knowing their feelings, she may feel she can’t back away from the plan without being chased from a community she loves.    It stinks. 

It’s just a bad idea.  But no one really cares about my thoughts on the matter.  I’ll post them here because I need to get them out but not on SMO.  I’ll try not to dim the enjoyment of the happy shiny people. 

I think even a young child can understand TS but I think it needs to be brought up gradually and I think what it means to them emotionally will change as they get older.  With my Munchkin, it was a series of seemingly unrelated conversations that started years ago when she was understanding how babies are made.  Also, we used the correct terms for everything from the beginning though it was a personal preference, not necessity.  

Egg + sperm = embryo.  If the embryo has a nice uterus to grow in, it can become a baby.  My daughter at around 3 thought this was like baking a cake, which was when we had the discussion.  Put the ingredients in the bowl and they're cake batter.  Put the batter in the oven for the right amount of time, and it's a cake. 

Ways to get a sibling (this was 3 different conversations) – Sara's sister was adopted from China.  (We adopted an already made bear from Boyds.)  Trinity's sister grew in her mother's uterus from an embryo.  (We built a bear.)  My youngest sister became my sister when her dad married my mom. 

Siblings that don't live together – J is my half-brother because my dad's sperm also made him but he has a different mother.  We didn't live together growing up but he's still my brother. 

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Puppies going to new homes.  (I hated to compare babies to puppies but she started the conversation when she was four.) 

"Grandpa B's puppies are disappearing!"

"No sweetheart.  The puppies are going home to live with their new owners."

"Why are they going?"

"Because Grandpa B can't take care of 5 puppies and these people have time for a puppy and really want one."

"Like you couldn't take care of Raven and Morrigan?" (ummm…)

"Yes.  Their mommy and daddy could take care of them better."

"Will they come back?"  (Are we talking about the babies or the puppies?)

"No.  But the people will send Grandpa B information about how they're growing and what they're like, maybe pictures."

"Will he get to see them like I see Raven?"

"I don't know."

"Can we go ride the pony now?"

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Gestational surrogacy (before my 2006 miscarriage):  we talked about how the embryos they had put in me were eggs from the mom and sperm form the dad but the mom's uterus wasn't a safe place for babies to grow so I was going to be an embryo-sitter until the baby was big enough to come out and go home with his or her parents.  We also (in a separate conversation) discussed how the doctors combine eggs and sperm and grow the embryo in the lab until they're ready to go into a uterus. 

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The brother of my sister is not my brother: 

"Mom, Morrigan is my sister."

"Yes.  She's your sister because she's made from mommy's eggs and daddy's sperm."

"Morrigan is "P's sister too."

"Yes, she's P's sister because their parents are raising them together and they live in the same house."

"So P must be my brother."

"No.  P isn't genetically related to you or growing up as your brother so he's not your brother.  You just share a sister."  I sketched a quick family tree with Morrigan joining the two families. 

"You should add some leaves.  Trees need leaves."  (okay.)

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When I matched as a TS: We talked about how some people want kids and can raise them but their bodies can't have them.  I covered the GS process again in a little more depth (since it had been two years) and then I explained that this mommy couldn't use her eggs so I was going to help by letting them use one of mine and carrying the baby.  It clicked right away that if my egg was used, it would be her sibling but not living with us and she compared it to my brother J.  We discussed half-siblings and left it at that for the day. 

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Yesterday, she asked some process questions (like: does it hurt when they take the eggs out?  No.  I'll be sleeping.  Does it hurt when they put the embryo in? No, the doctor is very careful.)  and asked when I was going to get big again and I explained that we had a long wait before the doctor would do the procedure but I'd let her know.

 

Now…I still haven't explained that the family my next baby will go home with is Baby C's family…but we'll get to that.  One part at a time. 

I've been invited to Baby C's birthday party.  I'm horribly torn.  I want to go and I probably will go but over 50 people were invited.  It's going to be big and crazy and also an emotional day...  S still has to check his work schedule for that weekend so he doesn't know if he's coming.

I haven't yet discussed the invite with Munchkin.  I don't foresee that conversation going well.  She's just not interested in Baby C.  She's interested in herself and her T-Ball, school, friends.  To her, the bio-connection isn't important now.  Baby C is just another baby who can't do anything fun.  She's boring.  

I'm at the cusp again and have to decide whether to follow my usually strong feelings on parenting.  I believe that munchkin is her own person already.  She's 7 but that doesn't make her feelings about subjects invalid.  If her choices are not what I would prefer, they're still her choices, her feelings.  It's my job as a parent to support her as she grows.  Based on that and taking out thoughts of everyone except me and Munchkin, I'd say offer her the choice to go and if she refuses...well, it's her choice.  

But it's not a normal situation.  It's adoption.  It's not a secret...but should I still allow her her feelings and choices even if they may not benefit the OA with Baby C?    And even asking that question feels silly.  If her feelings and opinions are valid, they're valid always, right?  Sometimes I override her feelings with a parental decision, usually for her safety...but this isn't really that extreme...