Children's Understanding

I think even a young child can understand TS but I think it needs to be brought up gradually and I think what it means to them emotionally will change as they get older.  With my Munchkin, it was a series of seemingly unrelated conversations that started years ago when she was understanding how babies are made.  Also, we used the correct terms for everything from the beginning though it was a personal preference, not necessity.  

Egg + sperm = embryo.  If the embryo has a nice uterus to grow in, it can become a baby.  My daughter at around 3 thought this was like baking a cake, which was when we had the discussion.  Put the ingredients in the bowl and they're cake batter.  Put the batter in the oven for the right amount of time, and it's a cake. 

Ways to get a sibling (this was 3 different conversations) – Sara's sister was adopted from China.  (We adopted an already made bear from Boyds.)  Trinity's sister grew in her mother's uterus from an embryo.  (We built a bear.)  My youngest sister became my sister when her dad married my mom. 

Siblings that don't live together – J is my half-brother because my dad's sperm also made him but he has a different mother.  We didn't live together growing up but he's still my brother. 

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Puppies going to new homes.  (I hated to compare babies to puppies but she started the conversation when she was four.) 

"Grandpa B's puppies are disappearing!"

"No sweetheart.  The puppies are going home to live with their new owners."

"Why are they going?"

"Because Grandpa B can't take care of 5 puppies and these people have time for a puppy and really want one."

"Like you couldn't take care of Raven and Morrigan?" (ummm…)

"Yes.  Their mommy and daddy could take care of them better."

"Will they come back?"  (Are we talking about the babies or the puppies?)

"No.  But the people will send Grandpa B information about how they're growing and what they're like, maybe pictures."

"Will he get to see them like I see Raven?"

"I don't know."

"Can we go ride the pony now?"

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Gestational surrogacy (before my 2006 miscarriage):  we talked about how the embryos they had put in me were eggs from the mom and sperm form the dad but the mom's uterus wasn't a safe place for babies to grow so I was going to be an embryo-sitter until the baby was big enough to come out and go home with his or her parents.  We also (in a separate conversation) discussed how the doctors combine eggs and sperm and grow the embryo in the lab until they're ready to go into a uterus. 

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The brother of my sister is not my brother: 

"Mom, Morrigan is my sister."

"Yes.  She's your sister because she's made from mommy's eggs and daddy's sperm."

"Morrigan is "P's sister too."

"Yes, she's P's sister because their parents are raising them together and they live in the same house."

"So P must be my brother."

"No.  P isn't genetically related to you or growing up as your brother so he's not your brother.  You just share a sister."  I sketched a quick family tree with Morrigan joining the two families. 

"You should add some leaves.  Trees need leaves."  (okay.)

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When I matched as a TS: We talked about how some people want kids and can raise them but their bodies can't have them.  I covered the GS process again in a little more depth (since it had been two years) and then I explained that this mommy couldn't use her eggs so I was going to help by letting them use one of mine and carrying the baby.  It clicked right away that if my egg was used, it would be her sibling but not living with us and she compared it to my brother J.  We discussed half-siblings and left it at that for the day. 

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Yesterday, she asked some process questions (like: does it hurt when they take the eggs out?  No.  I'll be sleeping.  Does it hurt when they put the embryo in? No, the doctor is very careful.)  and asked when I was going to get big again and I explained that we had a long wait before the doctor would do the procedure but I'd let her know.

 

Now…I still haven't explained that the family my next baby will go home with is Baby C's family…but we'll get to that.  One part at a time.