I've been invited to Baby C's birthday party. I'm horribly torn. I want to go and I probably will go but over 50 people were invited. It's going to be big and crazy and also an emotional day... S still has to check his work schedule for that weekend so he doesn't know if he's coming.
I haven't yet discussed the invite with Munchkin. I don't foresee that conversation going well. She's just not interested in Baby C. She's interested in herself and her T-Ball, school, friends. To her, the bio-connection isn't important now. Baby C is just another baby who can't do anything fun. She's boring.
I'm at the cusp again and have to decide whether to follow my usually strong feelings on parenting. I believe that munchkin is her own person already. She's 7 but that doesn't make her feelings about subjects invalid. If her choices are not what I would prefer, they're still her choices, her feelings. It's my job as a parent to support her as she grows. Based on that and taking out thoughts of everyone except me and Munchkin, I'd say offer her the choice to go and if she refuses...well, it's her choice.
But it's not a normal situation. It's adoption. It's not a secret...but should I still allow her her feelings and choices even if they may not benefit the OA with Baby C? And even asking that question feels silly. If her feelings and opinions are valid, they're valid always, right? Sometimes I override her feelings with a parental decision, usually for her safety...but this isn't really that extreme...
0 Comments
In my daughter’s classroom, each child shares something every week. Sometimes they have an assigned topic but mostly, they just talk about whatever they want and can bring things in to share. I got a phone call from the teacher today about my daughter’s sharing. Sometimes I wrap myself in knots over the silliest things. I want to say that it's not important but to me, deep down, it feel important even though on the surface, it seems silly. I hate that. And I won't write about it because who knows who is reading here? Why did I give up the safe password protected blog? There, I could have written about these things that I have so bottled up. But really, who would have wanted to read it? Probably no one but I would have felt better to write it, the posting would have been to let it go, to release the thoughts. And now, I can't. It's okay. There are benefits to this type of blog. Open and out there...or so I try to tell myself. Typing this helps a little but not enough. You can't imagine the frustration of trying to get these feelings out without letting you out there in internet land actually know what's bothering me. The frustration seems like a welcome distraction. Arcadia is matched. And I had to find out by reading her blog. I can’t believe she didn’t call me. And who she matched with! I know them. I wouldn’t work with them for anything…but I know them. She’s happy about the match though; that’s the important thing. Maybe, depending when they do insems, we can be pregnant together again! Ginger is feeling forgotten tonight. Just sad and alone. They went out without asking me to go. And I may not have gone. I probably wouldn't have gone. Because I'm a responsible adult with a child and because I just don't enjoy that type of thing...but they didn't ask. I guess if you say no often enough, they stop asking. Relationships are strange things, ever changing and complex. I was afraid of Raven’s parents for years. I still feel a vague wariness and a sadness that they don’t like me. They’re unpredictable and sometimes hurtful. They’re Raven’s parents but I don’t feel any particular closeness to them, only the tolerance for an aunt or a cousin that I don’t particularly like but have to see at family reunions anyway. Morrigan’s parents are politely distant, consistent in their expectations from me and keeping their promises but otherwise unpredictable. I like them and can relate to them about some things other than Morrigan. We don’t talk often and I wouldn’t say we’re close or even friends but I do like them for themselves. C’s parents are different. I want to trust them and be close to them. I like them. Especially C’s mom who I had known online for a while. I start to trust and fall into the cheerful banter of friends; I feel like I can talk to them about anything. Then, I panic and pull back. My experience with a-parents has led me to believe that they are dangerous and unpredictable creatures. Why should this set be any different? Then I flip the thinking around. Why aren’t the other families like this one that I’ve only known for a short time? And then I give up trying to compare. I try to live in the now. I take C’s parents at face value as themselves until the next wave of uncertainty hits. They’re getting less frequent as the months pass but last night, one attacked me. This morning, I’m over it and my worries seem silly. Good for me. Today, on the premium section of SMO so I won't name names...someone thanked me for "giving baby C to J." I know that the person and others who have said similar things mean well. But why can't they understand? Probably not. I enjoy the me that I am. Sure, I could stand to lose some weight. There are family issues that are problems, and I have some things I'd like to do in the new year...but they're not new things. They're goals that build on previous goals. Or they are continuations of the path I have been on. I don't see any major changes anytime soon.
Baby C's mom took her for an RSV test and a chest x-ray around 1pm. She hasn't posted an update yet. I really just need to stop reading her page. I'm going to drive myself nuts. Is it better to have these updates and learn the little bits of her life? Or is it better to remain oblivious and not worry? Does the comfort of knowing when things are good outweigh the worry and 'mom reaction' of knowing she's sick and not being able to do anything? |
Archives
April 2009
Categories
All
Contact Me
Thank you, your message has been sent
|