Why is she so interested in seeing one sibling but not in seeing the other?  Is it because she’s older now?  Or simply because of the age difference in general?  

Munchkin always asks about Raven and Raven’s sister.  What are they doing now?  Have you heard from their mom?  When can we go see them?  But I don’t know if her desire is to see Raven, or do the things we do when we get together.  Land of Little Horses.  Hershey park.  Boyd’s Bears.  Kid stuff that they all enjoy because they’re so close in age. 

She occasionally asks about Morrigan.  When she thinks of it, she will ask to call or will write a note to send.  That’s fine.  When we were visiting with both families back in November, she refused to stand close for pictures.  Why?  It doesn’t matter.  I closed ranks with her and insisted to the a-moms that if she didn’t want one, they didn’t get to push her or point a camera in her direction.  

Baby C is a year old and she still hasn’t met her.  I get the same response every time I mention a meeting.  That whiny “Mom do I have to go?”  That same tone of voice and phrase that she uses when I need to go to several errands at once or stop at a friends’ house that’s an hour away and she’s stuck coming along.    

I’d like her to meet Baby C’s parents and Baby C.  I feel that especially with the surrogacy on the horizon I really want her to just be comfortable with them.  Munchkin’s dad though thinks that especially with the surrogacy, we shouldn’t push her.  He goes back to my cousin comparison. 

“If they were cousins, would I let her see one cousin more than another if she had fun with one and didn’t want to see the other?”

And the answer is, “Yes.”  Actually, come to think of it, she does it with some of her cousins.  She’s mostly interested in the ones within a few years of her age. 

I want to argue that they’re not cousins…they’re bio-siblings.  And if they were siblings living in the same household, they’d have to learn to get along…but really, how much would a 7 year old play with a 1 year old?  I asked mom how much I played with my youngest sister…and she pointed out that I spent most of my time growing up trying not to have to play baby stuff with her.  Fair enough.

So for now, her choice prevails. 

Baby C turned 1 today.  I can hardly believe it.  I had a migraine today, killer type can't see out of one eye and want to die migraine.  It's at a manageable level now and I'm riding the high of prescription migraine medication.  My last pair of Fiorinal.  

Yesterday, my munchkin was sick and I had to skip Baby C's birthday party.  I couldn't leave munchkin with a sitter, even grandma, when she was feeling so bad.  I called to let them know and Baby C's mom took it well.  That was nice.

I remember the first time I told Raven's mom that I couldn't make a visit because munchkin was sick.  Raven was 3 years old.  Her mom had canceled visits before but never me.  Raven's mom gave me the guilt trip, that Raven would be disappointed.  I apologized.  She asked why I couldn't leave munchkin with someone else; wasn't Raven important enough for that?  Well, no.  I'm sorry that she was disappointed...but she had her parents to explain and support her.  Munchkin only has me and expects Mommy to be there when she's sick.  I still felt like crap for canceling...and worried that I wouldn't get another visit...but I did a few weeks later.  Munchkin was feeling better and the girls played and all was good.  

I'm not worried that Baby C's mom will not invite me next time because I couldn't come this time.  She understands, I think.  I won't make a habit of canceling...but I will if I have to and I don't have to worry.  It's nice that they're so easy to get along with.  

But anyway, it's Baby C's birthday.  Happy Birthday Baby C!  (I wonder how long I'll be able to dub her "Baby C")  Here are the links to the posts her mom and I made last year when she was born in the Birth Story section.  It's cool that they're still there.

My Story
JessWho's Story

Tomorrow, I'll see Baby C.  Her parents are having her birthday party a day early.  It's going to be crazy.  I almost can't believe that I agreed to go. Am I a masochist to go do the things that are hardest and hurt me the most?  Huge gathering of too many people I don't know.  Plus Baby C on the day before her birthday.  That day last year was her last day safe inside of me.  Some days hit harder than others.  Munchkin will not be going, partially for me and partially for her.

I haven't seen Raven or Morrigan since the November visit with both of them.  Haven't talked to them either except that Morrigan's brother did text me a really cute picture of their mom and Morrigan on Valentine's day.  He's a teenager, they like text messages.  

If thing go according to pattern, Raven's mom will contact me within a month or so.  She gets quiet in the winter when the kids get sick more and the days are short.  The first year, we met once when Raven was 11 months old and in that terrible phase when she was afraid of strangers.  It tore me apart, but her mom was pretty cheerful.  Her second year, we visited 4 times.  Her third year, 6 times.  Her fourth year, we visited 4 times - August, October, the early November visit with Morrigan's family, and June.  This year (R is 5!) I saw them in November at the visit with Morrigan's family and I haven't seen them since.  The lack of contact doesn't suprise me.  I've found Raven's mom to be highly unpredictable and Raven has her own opinion of things too.  She doesn't really know me but she does like to play with Munchkin.  Munchkin likes to play with her too, misses her, and wants me to call her often.  I let her wwrite letters but don't send them.   I wonder in the quiet times if I should contact her...but I never do because I don't want to intrude and I'll hide if I can.  

Morrigan's mom will contact me in May with just a link to spring pictures.  And again in the summer with vacation pictures.  Munchkin's dad will be in their area in July for a gamer geek thing and I know they plan to capture him for at least a short while.  If we're lucky, they'll visit in the fall again.  I know I could go visit and they'd welcome it but I never have.  It's a long drive.  I could contact them more often too.  Morrigan's mom and I used to email on a regular basis and talk abotu all sorts of things.  But at that first joint visit, Morrigan's mom and Raven's mom exchanged contact information...and I haven't chatted with Morrigan's mom casually since.  I can't keep them from talking, why would I want to?  But if I email one and don't email the other, will they tell and what will they think?  Contacting Morrigan's mom wouldn't be seen as an intrusion, but contacting Raven's mom might.  

They haven't met Baby C's mom yet.  I told them by letter the cowards way after TPR was already done but we haven't talked about it.  At some point, we probably have to talk and they'll all meet but I'm not in a hurry.  I don't want to do it at all.

Today they will pull the plug on my cousin...well, not really.  They'll wheel him into surgery to harvest organs.  It's over and I'm glad.  Not glad that he's dead...but glad that his remains will no longer be in the hospital to be tortured.  He wasn't in that body and I'm glad his wife was willing to let it go.  

Here's the original support post from SMO on 3/5/09:  Genetic Killer
My cousin died yesterday morning, just keeled over at his desk. They started his heart back up, pumped him full of blood, and took him into surgery for 10 hours. They patched him up and waited but there’s still no brain activity. There wasn’t any before the surgery either and there was a very slim chance that the surgery wouldn’t kill him…but not having it definitely would have. He’s not alive though even though machines are forcing the body on the bed to breathe. It’s my nightmare.

He wasn’t a close cousin, the child of my grandmother’s niece. So, my third cousin. He’s only two years older than me and while we weren’t best friends, I knew him. He was one of the tall cousins with the lurking killer in his genes. Full blown Marfan Syndrome confirmed at age 17. Heart surgery at 21 and an aortic repair at 23. He was married last summer. His wife is 10 weeks pregnant.

Would you choose to breed if you knew that there was a 50% chance that your offspring would have your defective gene? And that this particular genetic screw up had the power to cause trouble in most major body systems? Marfan Syndrome. http://www.marfan.org

A diagnosis requires major involvement with several body systems; people with a genetic link and one major system involved or several systems involved in minor ways are labels ‘emerging’ and watched closely. It can remain “emerging” all of your life or be full blown before you hit twenty. Left with all symptoms completely untreated and ignored, it usually kills it’s carriers between the age of 30 and 50…but with modern medical treatment, Marfan’s patients can live a long full life. It can occur as a spontaneous mutation or be inherited. They say it doesn’t skip generations but there’s a very fine line between ‘emerging’ and full blown.

My maternal grandmother is old. Technically, her Marfan’s is still ‘emerging’ because there are a lot of minor involvements and the major system involvements could just be age at this point. She got lucky. My mother is 43 and has had two heart surgeries; she’s always in pain from a spine that’s curved out of shape. She was not so lucky. My younger sister, she’s emerging – with major involvements in her cardiovascular system and in genetics plus some minor skeletal changes.

I should feel lucky that I’m classified as safe. I had a 50% chance of getting it and I didn’t. I’m average height and in normal proportions. My joints aren’t too flexible. My heart and aorta are normal. They checked very carefully when mom was first diagnosed. So I’m not doomed, and my children are safe. I can’t pass on a bad copy of a gene when I didn’t get a bad copy.

But today, knowing that my cousin died, it’s hitting me hard. He was careful, took precautions, saw the cardiologist quarterly. He had his whole life to live and a baby on the way. But Marfans got him. And it could take my mother or my sister.

I try to be philosophical about it. Death could take any of us, any time. I’m glad that I don’t have that ticking time bomb in my chest; And I feel bad because I feel lucky.

So Casper is registered for the manners class.  Sometimes, I think these classes are helping us a lot.  Others, I think they're a waste of time.  The classes aren't really any good if I don't follow up, work with him, and reinforce.  The classes give me the method but alone they mean little.  Next Saturday, Casper will have to miss his class so I can go to Baby C's birthday party.  It won't really matter.  And the Saturday after that, we'll pick up wiht Manners in teh same time slot:  10:15-11:15 Saturday morning.  

I skipped today's concession stand meeting in favor of continuing the Vampire game a little longer.  My character, Isabelle, is charming and amazingly deadly.  Because of her gender and the time period (during the crusades) people underestimate her.  She's on the Road of Heaven and restricts her feeding to only bad people.  There are plenty to hunt in Rome of those times, and good games to be had.  With an 8 rating in her current road, there are a lot of things I can't do with her...but the things I can are quite fun.  This week, I convinced a priest with 'true faith' to let me have some holy water instead of chasing me from the church and I got to kill a demon.

Dee, my 5-year-old wonderful destructive bunny isn't eating much and is refusing dry food entirely.  She's losing weight.  I'm loading her up with fresh greens, fruit, and veggies.  The vet assures me that there's no bowel obstruction (which is common in rabbits).  She's just getting older.  Some rabbits can live 12-15 years but Dee is a large breed, not spayed, and probably from bad lines since she's a pet store bunny.  

Oh...and if you're on Facebook, add me!  And then come join my Mafia.  I need more Mafia members. 

It’s past time to register for Casper’s next class and I can’t decide what to do.  The trainer suggests “Manners” as the next step after Beginners.  There are two Manner’s classes starting the week after our last Beginner class.  Manners classes are a mix between dogs from the beginner class and dogs form the puppy class.  Some will be only 18 weeks old. 

The Saturday class will probably full.  She described the 4 dogs currently registered (max is 6) and at least one will probably bark the whole class.  The Monday class currently only has 1 dog registered…but the owner is an idiot (my phrasing, not the trainer’s) and the dog will be out of control.  So which is worse, a barking dog or one who won’t listen? 

In addition, there are times in each class when we have to do things with the others watching.  In a class of Just Casper and one other dog, that’s not a big deal…but the Saturday class will have more people.  Will it be enough to throw my public speaking’ anxiety into effect if we have to do something in front of the group?  I don’t know.  Hopefully not but it’s a worry. 

She recommends Manners, probably for a good reason, but she won’t force me to take it.  I want to take either “Loose Leash Walking” which is a 5-week course focused on his weakest area or something fun like Rally, Tracking, or Agility.  I want a small class.  I want everyone to have their dogs quiet and under control.  I have to accept that I can’t control what they do, only what I do.  Except that if what they do infringes upon me, then they can force me into choices I don’t want to have to make.  So I wait and consider until that waiting becomes a choice in itself. 

Yesterday. 

Concession Stand Committee Meeting.  Yuck.  People who have their children late in life by choice or by chance just seem so odd sometimes to me.  There are so many differences.  That’s not bad, but sometimes, it makes it hard to relate to them.  I am, predictably, the youngest.  I know of only one mom in the district with a second grade child who is younger than I am.  Even the kindergartener moms are usually older than me. 

They’ve had life experiences.  They lived in dorms, maybe did a lot of traveling and spring break stunts, are working at higher levels in their chosen career or can afford to have one parent staying at home.  When they were my age, they may have been partying all night or working 60 hour weeks.  They look at me and they see themselves at my age so of course, I must be that carefree irresponsible person that they were.  I have friends now who are my age and barely more responsible than some teens.  They see their experiences and it blinds them to my reality. 

Yes, I’m twenty five.  No, I’m not the person they were.  I never had a chance.  I’ve been mom.  And while I’ve had my share of partying and wild behavior, I always knew that there had to be money and time for the munchkin.  My moments were stolen, carefully planned in advance so I could have a sitter, paid for in guilt because I wasn’t with the munchkin. 

And even those who realize that truth about me and understand how the life of a teen parent shapes us, they pity us because they only see what we missed.  They only see the hurts and the hard times.  They see toys that they provide that I couldn’t.  They see that I couldn’t stay home, don’t have time to volunteer in the classroom, don’t go to PTA meetings and they can’t imagine their life without those things.  They’ve grown into them and they enjoy them. 

But they don’t understand that at 25, my family is finished.  I had a slower start than they did to college and career but I’ll never have to derail my career to take care of an infant.  As my work becomes more demanding, my child will be becoming more self-sufficient.  My daughter will be going to college when I’m 36.  And I’ll have the rest of my life left ahead of me to enjoy. 

But some of them are as old as my parents, or older and they can be so d*mn condescending that it drives me nuts.  It’s just like the brownie troop parents and I hate it already but I can’t keep munchkin from participating just because I don’t want to deal with the parents.  Sigh…

I had Jackson Hewitt do my 2008 taxes, all of them.  State and local were even and I have already gotten my federal return.  But today, I got a letter from the IRS.  Pure panic just seeing the letter.  My hands shook as I opened it and I’m still riding the buzz.  My return was incorrect and they’ve made an adjustment.  I’m due $382 more money.  Relief.  I wonder if they’ll direct deposit it or send a check? 

On SMO, one of the women who is pregnant with her own child decided to place for adoption with another member.  It’s like Jess and I, or before that, Jenni and Jess.  Everyone is wishing them congratulations and is excited.  I’m sure we’ll all eagerly watch it play out on the boards and like they did for me and Jess, they’ll probably occasionally forget that it’s an adoption and not a surrogacy. 

Everyone who is congratulating this woman only 7 weeks pregnant on her decision to place is an idiot.  Congratulations?  Are they kidding?  They owe her condolences and she doesn’t seem to realize it.  I wished her good luck and said that I hoped it would be what she thought.  It was the only positive thing I could think of to say to her.  To the hopeful adoptive parents, congrats to them on the match; I can see why they’re excited.    It’s like with me and J though, they wished us congratulations and were so excited…but for almost all of them, their excitement is pointed at the potential a-parents. 

Very few remember and acknowledge that despite the moments of excitement over a good match, that for the e-mom planning to place, there are doubts and fears and pain.  That will be worse as the pregnancy progresses, peak after the birth, and gradually subside to a manageable level.  The hurt will never completely go away, every happiness will be bittersweet, and the people on SMO forget.  I feel like the doom-sayer when they’re so excited but it makes me angry and sad that they’re so blind.   No one wants to acknowledge the pain that will be.

And this woman who says so early in her pregnancy that she will place, chooses parents, and will be on SMO shouting it to the world?  What if she has second thoughts?  What if she decides to keep the baby?  It’s adoption.  It’s her right.  But everyone will jump down her throat if she makes that decision.  Knowing their feelings, she may feel she can’t back away from the plan without being chased from a community she loves.    It stinks. 

It’s just a bad idea.  But no one really cares about my thoughts on the matter.  I’ll post them here because I need to get them out but not on SMO.  I’ll try not to dim the enjoyment of the happy shiny people. 

I think even a young child can understand TS but I think it needs to be brought up gradually and I think what it means to them emotionally will change as they get older.  With my Munchkin, it was a series of seemingly unrelated conversations that started years ago when she was understanding how babies are made.  Also, we used the correct terms for everything from the beginning though it was a personal preference, not necessity.  

Egg + sperm = embryo.  If the embryo has a nice uterus to grow in, it can become a baby.  My daughter at around 3 thought this was like baking a cake, which was when we had the discussion.  Put the ingredients in the bowl and they're cake batter.  Put the batter in the oven for the right amount of time, and it's a cake. 

Ways to get a sibling (this was 3 different conversations) – Sara's sister was adopted from China.  (We adopted an already made bear from Boyds.)  Trinity's sister grew in her mother's uterus from an embryo.  (We built a bear.)  My youngest sister became my sister when her dad married my mom. 

Siblings that don't live together – J is my half-brother because my dad's sperm also made him but he has a different mother.  We didn't live together growing up but he's still my brother. 

  ...........................

Puppies going to new homes.  (I hated to compare babies to puppies but she started the conversation when she was four.) 

"Grandpa B's puppies are disappearing!"

"No sweetheart.  The puppies are going home to live with their new owners."

"Why are they going?"

"Because Grandpa B can't take care of 5 puppies and these people have time for a puppy and really want one."

"Like you couldn't take care of Raven and Morrigan?" (ummm…)

"Yes.  Their mommy and daddy could take care of them better."

"Will they come back?"  (Are we talking about the babies or the puppies?)

"No.  But the people will send Grandpa B information about how they're growing and what they're like, maybe pictures."

"Will he get to see them like I see Raven?"

"I don't know."

"Can we go ride the pony now?"

  ..............................

Gestational surrogacy (before my 2006 miscarriage):  we talked about how the embryos they had put in me were eggs from the mom and sperm form the dad but the mom's uterus wasn't a safe place for babies to grow so I was going to be an embryo-sitter until the baby was big enough to come out and go home with his or her parents.  We also (in a separate conversation) discussed how the doctors combine eggs and sperm and grow the embryo in the lab until they're ready to go into a uterus. 

  ......................................

The brother of my sister is not my brother: 

"Mom, Morrigan is my sister."

"Yes.  She's your sister because she's made from mommy's eggs and daddy's sperm."

"Morrigan is "P's sister too."

"Yes, she's P's sister because their parents are raising them together and they live in the same house."

"So P must be my brother."

"No.  P isn't genetically related to you or growing up as your brother so he's not your brother.  You just share a sister."  I sketched a quick family tree with Morrigan joining the two families. 

"You should add some leaves.  Trees need leaves."  (okay.)

  .................................

When I matched as a TS: We talked about how some people want kids and can raise them but their bodies can't have them.  I covered the GS process again in a little more depth (since it had been two years) and then I explained that this mommy couldn't use her eggs so I was going to help by letting them use one of mine and carrying the baby.  It clicked right away that if my egg was used, it would be her sibling but not living with us and she compared it to my brother J.  We discussed half-siblings and left it at that for the day. 

  ..................................

Yesterday, she asked some process questions (like: does it hurt when they take the eggs out?  No.  I'll be sleeping.  Does it hurt when they put the embryo in? No, the doctor is very careful.)  and asked when I was going to get big again and I explained that we had a long wait before the doctor would do the procedure but I'd let her know.

 

Now…I still haven't explained that the family my next baby will go home with is Baby C's family…but we'll get to that.  One part at a time.