This thread asked for advice about having IPs in the delivery room as something written into the contract.  It’s a long thread so I don’t know if you want to read the whole thing.  Towards the end, someone said it was “selfish” to put the desires and comfort of the surrogate above the IPs desire to witness the birth.  

I disagree strongly and said so.  My main argument being that a too strong adrenalin response (caused by fear or stress in the woman in labor) can cause labor to slow down or even stop.  This is a hormonal thing not under a woman’s control and is something that happens in other mammals as well.  To have a safe and effective labor, the woman needs to relax.  That’s the safest thing for the baby.  And so, I think it would be selfish on the part of the IPs to insist on their preferences for the birth as more important than a safe birth.  


For my first delivery, my mom was supposed to be one of my support people, and I had her kicked out.  She protested so strongly that the nurse had to threaten to call security.  But they got her out.  Anyway, I will not hesitate to kick out anyone who I feel is threatening a relaxed and safe labor whether it’s an IP, a particular nurse, or my own chosen support person.  Mostly, I expect this to be a moot point.  My labors are fast once they get started and I doubt a troop of dancing bears would bother me because I get so inward focused.   As long as they (the troop of dancing bears or the herd of med students or the IPs) don’t touch me, we’re cool.  

That has previously been an unpopular viewpoint with IPs…but that I’ve found 3 previous sets plus my current set shows that some IPs are willing to agree with my preferences on the matter.  I’m sure it will be an unpopular viewpoint on SMO and I’m just waiting to be blasted.  It’s no matter.  I get a lot of blastings on there, I’ve learned to mostly ignore them.  I wanted to voice what probably at least a few others think but wouldn’t say.  

What did surprise me is that this morning my IM found the thread and posted a comment.  Very supportive.  Very cool.  She really doesn’t post much so it surprised me.  My IM is an awesome IM.  

I just had to share…

Someone was saying that there should be laws in place to keep a TS from changing their mind and that we as a community should bind together and push for those laws.

So say, that the surrogacy community binds together.  And the world hears them (which I don’t think is likely) and it becomes possible that a TS’s rights to the child are severed at or before conception rather than post-birth because there is a contract that the IPs pay ‘pain and suffering’ and then they get their baby. 

Next, someone will want to make it so that an expectant parent considering adoption can sign over he parental rights prior to birth to have her living expenses covered or whatever.  That sounds like coercion.  Currently, all expenses paid by adoptive parents have to be considered as gifts because they can’t force the parents to terminate rights.  Now, I don't believe high e-mom expenses shoudl be allowed in adoption but that's a different blog.  There is a very good reason that in adoption, there is a waiting period post-birth to consider the decision.  If coercion can be proven, in most states, the adoption can be overturned. 

In TS, people will argue that there is time for consideration before the agreement takes place.  In adoption, they could argue that the time for consideration is during the pregnancy.  That time prior to birth doesn’t count in adoption because the expectant mother is full of hormones and hasn’t yet met the child.  Why should that be different for a TS? 
 
Oh…I agree, absolutely that except in dire circumstances, the TS contract should be upheld.  But I don’t agree that the laws surrounding TS should change.  I think it would be very hard to change the laws of TS without altering all laws regarding parental rights termination.  I think altering all TPR laws to allow them to take place during pregnancy would be a big mistake. 

Here is the thread that has me riled up today:  http://www.surromomsonline.com/support/showthread.php?t=140507


Many SMO threads get me riled up, some are just worse than others.  This one isn’t a surprise.  The TS decided not to sign over rights.  It sucks for the IPs.  Every one is talking about contracts and kidnapping.  She can’t force the IF/dad to give up rights so she can be the sole parent.  I’m also fairly sure that despite the contract, they can’t force her to give up all rights.  I think the only way they could force rights termination is if the other parent was truly not safe and would not work to become safe.  I think the best outcome anyone can hope for at this point is shared custody.  What a nightmare.  I’m sorry the IPs were hurt.

That said, TS contracts in any states aren’t worth the number of trees you kill to print them.  It sucks for IPs but it’s reality.  There are only like 2 or 3 states that will do a PBO for TS and even in those, she has to be pregnant first and could simply refuse to agree to the PBO.  TS is a risk.  People jump into TS as fast as GS…but GS is pretty certain.  With TS, you only see the failures but those happen more frequently than GS.  People should be careful because that contract means very little. 

Now, I’m not likely to decide to parent.  I have my tubes tied for a very good reason.  I don’t want to parent any more children.  I can think of only one circumstance that I would question the hypothetical baby going home with her parents.  It is unlikely in the extreme and truthfully I don’t want to bring any babies into my home…but I would bring a baby home to protect it if absolutely necessary in one specific circumstance…but still only until social services could be involved.  But like I said, that circumstance is unlikely in the extreme; I know my IPs. 

What circumstance?  Abuse to the existing child/children in the family.  I’d call social services but I wouldn’t want the baby to go there until they had been cleared of abuse.  Or wait - I thought of a second but related circumstance:  if the existing child/children are removed from the family by social services during pregnancy, I would probably argue to keep the baby with me rather than let it go into the foster system until the parents can sort through their issues…and even then, I might hesitate. 

Does that make me a bad TS who will break my contract?  I guess so…but I’m okay with that.  I’d rather be a bad TS than have a child come back later and ask why I sent them to parents that were known to be abusive.  It won’t happen with J&S; they’re wonderful parents. 

There is a thread on SMO here:
http://www.surromomsonline.com/support/showthread.php?t=138646

I'm following it with interest.  I've considered adding my opinions but I'm not an experienced TS.  They would argue that my post-adoption feelings aren't relevant to the discussion.  And while I would agree that TS shows no similarities to an adoption from the closed "baby snatch" era, I think that the emotions are very likely to be similar to an open adoption. 

I wonder, if the emotions will be similar, why would I put myself through that again?  Why would anyone be a TS a second time?  I don't have an easy answer. 

My IM emailed me last night telling me that she'd been thinking of the GTG and to get my opinion other going.  Since I've already told her, I'll tell you too.  I want her to come.  I've asked a few people involved in surrogacy that I know.
-She is pregnant and will be in her last trimester
-The one who is having another baby of her own doesn't have the money.
-And this one won't go anywhere within 50 miles of Atlanta for personal reasons.

My best friend would go with me if I asked.  Problem with that is that if she went, I wouldn't get to know anyone from SMO.  The two of us would wander off to explore Atlanta.  I wouldn't need to make friends with the SMO gals because I'd be busy and comfortable traveling with a friend.

I hate groups though.  And my IM would be perfect as a touchstone.  Someone I know when I get too uncomfortable with the group.  But not a best friend.  She's familiar, safe, but not so comfortable that I would stick by her side the whole trip.  

Now, I don't know if she'll go.  But I hope she does. 

I signed up to go to the National SMO GTG - Surro Mom Convention, I guess.  It's going to be awesome!  It's the weekend of my birthday!  I don't know if my IM has considered coming.  I didn't' ask because I don't want to seem like I'm pushing her to come or pushing her to not come.  I did let her know my plans though.  Depending when we cycle, it could be close to cycle time...or I could already be pregnant.  We'll see.  

The planners say up to 4 people can room together.  I think rooming with one would be cool, but not more than that.  I don't know how comfy I am with having a group sleep over with strangers...

A bunch of them will be staying at someone's house.  I was considering it but it got full up before I was positive that I would make the trip.  That's kind of sad but I know myself pretty well and I think I would be extra-overwhelmed if I was staying at someone's house.  My own hotel room will at least be a retreat when the group stuff gets to be too much.