As you’ve probably figured out by now, I survived the psych screen.  The Psych was actually in a house, not an office.  The room we used for the session had built in bookshelves that I would kill to have.  The Psych, spent 45 minutes talking to just me and another 30-40 minutes talking to all three of us.  Then, I got to leave.  I did not have to take the MMPI again.  I don’t know how long she talked to my IPs though I was a little sad that I didn’t really get to talk to just them without the psych at all, I don’t’ get to see them much.

I don’t know if we passed and got the okay but I’m going to assume we did because no one called to tell me otherwise.  I figure it’s like test results with your doctor’s office.  If they call you about routine tests, there’s probably a problem.  If they don’t call, everything’s fine.  Makes you chew your nails wondering if they’ll call but eventually you relax and stop worrying because if there was a problem, they would have called by now.  I’m still mildly concerned but I’m setting it aside because it’s done and there’s no point in stressing over it now. 

Afterwards, I went to see M, the psych major.  This semester in one of her classes, she’s administering psych assessments like the MMPI and some other tests.  We found a used book store to prowl and some other small shops.  The we had dinner in an Irish Pub (excellent food!) and ice cream at Maggie Moo’s.  Anyway, she is the talkative sort and told me all about the different tests and let me see examples (which she’s probably not supposed to do) but it did give me  something to ponder on the long drive home. 

Psych is tomorrow! 
I've been avoiding the caffeine but I'm still wound so tight that I'm afraid I'll snap.  I can get through this.  I need to find my centered zen place.  

Why am I so stressed about this?  I was nervous about the medical, wondering if they'd tell me that I weighed too much to be a good egg donor.  But I wasn't truely sleepless and terrified like I am now.  I think fear of psych is fear of the unknown.  I knew what to expect from the medical and I'm comfortable with all of the procedures.  I don't know what to expect of the Psych and it's driving me loony tunes.  Which, I should add, is not a good state of mind to be in for a psych eval. 

Psych is Friday.  I'm all tied in knots worrying about it.  I get more and more tense the closer it gets.  I don't know why.  It's not like the nice doctor is going to be mean to us or anything.  Just some time sitting and talking.  How can that be bad?  I don't think I'll need to re-take the MMPI but even if I do, so what?  I've passed them before with no trouble.  Psychs aren't scary!  How long did I work in a counseling office?  Almost 2 years.  And two of my friends are aiming for their Master's in Psychology.  They're not scary.  Nothing to be worried about.  But I am.  Psych just plain stressed me out.  

I opted not to go out to dinner with my IPs after the appointment.   Instead, I'll do dinner with M, someone I've known since high school.  When the psych is done, I'll probably be silly giddy with relief.  M will ground me and let me talk and talk.  She'll understand (and analyze since she's one of the psych majors). 

My IM is an awesome IM.  Yea Jess!  The Psych appointment is scheduled for Friday April 17th in the afternoon.  And now, I can stop worrying about the scheduling of it...though I still have to worry about it...but even that worrying can wait a while longer.  I have over a month and that's just too long to worry.  

We can’t actually do contracts until closer to transfer.  I’m guessing June/July.  That’s fine.  I’m still waiting for my IPs to schedule the psych.  That is driving me nuts.  I understand, my IM is busy and there is plenty of time.  But she can schedule it when it’s convenient for them.  She’ll know when she’s scheduling it because she’s scheduling it.  For me, I’ll go whenever she schedules it because I’m committed to the process…but is it too much to ask for her to give me some sort of clue? 

I have training classes at work that I’d like to register for…but what if the psych is that day?  I don’t want to register for a class I won’t be there to take.  There’s a 6-week climbing refresher course that I’d love to sign up for…but it’s at 1:30 in the afternoon 3 days a week and if I alter my planned work schedule to accommodate the class, my boss will be a little less than tolerant if I take off those weeks since I have to ask for a special schedule.  My grandparents are going away for an entire month and invited munchkin and I to fly to join them for a few days.  I’d love to…but I can’t schedule that trip without knowing when we’re doing psych.  See the problem? 

I know I’m making it complicated.  Just schedule what I want and then make changes to accommodate the psych appointment.  But I hate to make changes in plans that are made, especially when those plans involve work (who might think I’m unreliable for needing changes) or my daughter (who will be really upset if I cancel a vacation promised to her).  So I wait and the longer I wait, the more likely it is that I won’t be able to do the things I want to do…and if I don’t do them and I don’t have psych during that time, I’ll be really annoyed with myself.
 
I hesitated to post this and it’s highly edited.   The blog post as it was originally can’t actually be posted on a public blog or shared at all.  But I wrote it anyway.  It can just lay around on my flash drive.  I started a folder on my flash drive called “Hidden Thoughts” for things I can’t post but just had to write anyway.  I suspect that with this journey, there will be a lot of files in that folder but it’s okay.  I have a place to put those thoughts so I can express them and then let them go.  That’s the important thing.