As you’ve probably figured out by now, I survived the psych screen.  The Psych was actually in a house, not an office.  The room we used for the session had built in bookshelves that I would kill to have.  The Psych, spent 45 minutes talking to just me and another 30-40 minutes talking to all three of us.  Then, I got to leave.  I did not have to take the MMPI again.  I don’t know how long she talked to my IPs though I was a little sad that I didn’t really get to talk to just them without the psych at all, I don’t’ get to see them much.

I don’t know if we passed and got the okay but I’m going to assume we did because no one called to tell me otherwise.  I figure it’s like test results with your doctor’s office.  If they call you about routine tests, there’s probably a problem.  If they don’t call, everything’s fine.  Makes you chew your nails wondering if they’ll call but eventually you relax and stop worrying because if there was a problem, they would have called by now.  I’m still mildly concerned but I’m setting it aside because it’s done and there’s no point in stressing over it now. 

Afterwards, I went to see M, the psych major.  This semester in one of her classes, she’s administering psych assessments like the MMPI and some other tests.  We found a used book store to prowl and some other small shops.  The we had dinner in an Irish Pub (excellent food!) and ice cream at Maggie Moo’s.  Anyway, she is the talkative sort and told me all about the different tests and let me see examples (which she’s probably not supposed to do) but it did give me  something to ponder on the long drive home. 

Psych is tomorrow! 
I've been avoiding the caffeine but I'm still wound so tight that I'm afraid I'll snap.  I can get through this.  I need to find my centered zen place.  

Why am I so stressed about this?  I was nervous about the medical, wondering if they'd tell me that I weighed too much to be a good egg donor.  But I wasn't truely sleepless and terrified like I am now.  I think fear of psych is fear of the unknown.  I knew what to expect from the medical and I'm comfortable with all of the procedures.  I don't know what to expect of the Psych and it's driving me loony tunes.  Which, I should add, is not a good state of mind to be in for a psych eval. 

My period is (as of today) 5 days late…or maybe just 3 days.  My last cycle was 32 days but still…   

What’s going on with my body?  Normally, I would not care.  I have a tubal ligation so I can’t be pregnant.  For the first time in my life, a late period isn’t causing panic because I feel safe in that at least.  I’m still worried a bit though. 

How will this affect August/September?  Does the late period mean there’s a problem with my reproductive system somewhere?  We’re counting on my system to be top notch and functioning properly.  Or is just one of those odd occurrences?  Late periods do happen occasionally.  And my periods are a bit longer now than they were even 2 years ago.  They’re averaging around 30 days.  So perhaps this is just a normal variation.  I could induce the period…but right now, I’m in “wait and see” mode.  If I induce it, I won’t know how long it would have stayed away. 

Deep Breath Ginger.  You’re blowing this way out of proportion.  You’re really just stressed about Psych and stress can make a period late.  Simple as that. 

If you’re having a visit from Aunt Flo, please tell her to come visit me so I can stop worrying!

Psych is Friday.  I'm all tied in knots worrying about it.  I get more and more tense the closer it gets.  I don't know why.  It's not like the nice doctor is going to be mean to us or anything.  Just some time sitting and talking.  How can that be bad?  I don't think I'll need to re-take the MMPI but even if I do, so what?  I've passed them before with no trouble.  Psychs aren't scary!  How long did I work in a counseling office?  Almost 2 years.  And two of my friends are aiming for their Master's in Psychology.  They're not scary.  Nothing to be worried about.  But I am.  Psych just plain stressed me out.  

I opted not to go out to dinner with my IPs after the appointment.   Instead, I'll do dinner with M, someone I've known since high school.  When the psych is done, I'll probably be silly giddy with relief.  M will ground me and let me talk and talk.  She'll understand (and analyze since she's one of the psych majors). 

My IPs finished filling out the pre-contract questionnaire and sent it to me to review.  We're hoping that agreeing on things in the questionnaire will save us some contract revisions.  I only found three things in the questionnaire that may need changed and I'm waiting to hear back from my IM what their feelings are on the concerns I had.  Arcadia managed to have her first contract draft arrive and after review with her lawyer, she was willing to sign it without revisions.  I hope ours is so simple. 

This thread asked for advice about having IPs in the delivery room as something written into the contract.  It’s a long thread so I don’t know if you want to read the whole thing.  Towards the end, someone said it was “selfish” to put the desires and comfort of the surrogate above the IPs desire to witness the birth.  

I disagree strongly and said so.  My main argument being that a too strong adrenalin response (caused by fear or stress in the woman in labor) can cause labor to slow down or even stop.  This is a hormonal thing not under a woman’s control and is something that happens in other mammals as well.  To have a safe and effective labor, the woman needs to relax.  That’s the safest thing for the baby.  And so, I think it would be selfish on the part of the IPs to insist on their preferences for the birth as more important than a safe birth.  


For my first delivery, my mom was supposed to be one of my support people, and I had her kicked out.  She protested so strongly that the nurse had to threaten to call security.  But they got her out.  Anyway, I will not hesitate to kick out anyone who I feel is threatening a relaxed and safe labor whether it’s an IP, a particular nurse, or my own chosen support person.  Mostly, I expect this to be a moot point.  My labors are fast once they get started and I doubt a troop of dancing bears would bother me because I get so inward focused.   As long as they (the troop of dancing bears or the herd of med students or the IPs) don’t touch me, we’re cool.  

That has previously been an unpopular viewpoint with IPs…but that I’ve found 3 previous sets plus my current set shows that some IPs are willing to agree with my preferences on the matter.  I’m sure it will be an unpopular viewpoint on SMO and I’m just waiting to be blasted.  It’s no matter.  I get a lot of blastings on there, I’ve learned to mostly ignore them.  I wanted to voice what probably at least a few others think but wouldn’t say.  

What did surprise me is that this morning my IM found the thread and posted a comment.  Very supportive.  Very cool.  She really doesn’t post much so it surprised me.  My IM is an awesome IM.  

I just had to share…

My IM is an awesome IM.  Yea Jess!  The Psych appointment is scheduled for Friday April 17th in the afternoon.  And now, I can stop worrying about the scheduling of it...though I still have to worry about it...but even that worrying can wait a while longer.  I have over a month and that's just too long to worry.  

We can’t actually do contracts until closer to transfer.  I’m guessing June/July.  That’s fine.  I’m still waiting for my IPs to schedule the psych.  That is driving me nuts.  I understand, my IM is busy and there is plenty of time.  But she can schedule it when it’s convenient for them.  She’ll know when she’s scheduling it because she’s scheduling it.  For me, I’ll go whenever she schedules it because I’m committed to the process…but is it too much to ask for her to give me some sort of clue? 

I have training classes at work that I’d like to register for…but what if the psych is that day?  I don’t want to register for a class I won’t be there to take.  There’s a 6-week climbing refresher course that I’d love to sign up for…but it’s at 1:30 in the afternoon 3 days a week and if I alter my planned work schedule to accommodate the class, my boss will be a little less than tolerant if I take off those weeks since I have to ask for a special schedule.  My grandparents are going away for an entire month and invited munchkin and I to fly to join them for a few days.  I’d love to…but I can’t schedule that trip without knowing when we’re doing psych.  See the problem? 

I know I’m making it complicated.  Just schedule what I want and then make changes to accommodate the psych appointment.  But I hate to make changes in plans that are made, especially when those plans involve work (who might think I’m unreliable for needing changes) or my daughter (who will be really upset if I cancel a vacation promised to her).  So I wait and the longer I wait, the more likely it is that I won’t be able to do the things I want to do…and if I don’t do them and I don’t have psych during that time, I’ll be really annoyed with myself.
 
I hesitated to post this and it’s highly edited.   The blog post as it was originally can’t actually be posted on a public blog or shared at all.  But I wrote it anyway.  It can just lay around on my flash drive.  I started a folder on my flash drive called “Hidden Thoughts” for things I can’t post but just had to write anyway.  I suspect that with this journey, there will be a lot of files in that folder but it’s okay.  I have a place to put those thoughts so I can express them and then let them go.  That’s the important thing. 

Someone was saying that there should be laws in place to keep a TS from changing their mind and that we as a community should bind together and push for those laws.

So say, that the surrogacy community binds together.  And the world hears them (which I don’t think is likely) and it becomes possible that a TS’s rights to the child are severed at or before conception rather than post-birth because there is a contract that the IPs pay ‘pain and suffering’ and then they get their baby. 

Next, someone will want to make it so that an expectant parent considering adoption can sign over he parental rights prior to birth to have her living expenses covered or whatever.  That sounds like coercion.  Currently, all expenses paid by adoptive parents have to be considered as gifts because they can’t force the parents to terminate rights.  Now, I don't believe high e-mom expenses shoudl be allowed in adoption but that's a different blog.  There is a very good reason that in adoption, there is a waiting period post-birth to consider the decision.  If coercion can be proven, in most states, the adoption can be overturned. 

In TS, people will argue that there is time for consideration before the agreement takes place.  In adoption, they could argue that the time for consideration is during the pregnancy.  That time prior to birth doesn’t count in adoption because the expectant mother is full of hormones and hasn’t yet met the child.  Why should that be different for a TS? 
 
Oh…I agree, absolutely that except in dire circumstances, the TS contract should be upheld.  But I don’t agree that the laws surrounding TS should change.  I think it would be very hard to change the laws of TS without altering all laws regarding parental rights termination.  I think altering all TPR laws to allow them to take place during pregnancy would be a big mistake. 

Here is the thread that has me riled up today:  http://www.surromomsonline.com/support/showthread.php?t=140507


Many SMO threads get me riled up, some are just worse than others.  This one isn’t a surprise.  The TS decided not to sign over rights.  It sucks for the IPs.  Every one is talking about contracts and kidnapping.  She can’t force the IF/dad to give up rights so she can be the sole parent.  I’m also fairly sure that despite the contract, they can’t force her to give up all rights.  I think the only way they could force rights termination is if the other parent was truly not safe and would not work to become safe.  I think the best outcome anyone can hope for at this point is shared custody.  What a nightmare.  I’m sorry the IPs were hurt.

That said, TS contracts in any states aren’t worth the number of trees you kill to print them.  It sucks for IPs but it’s reality.  There are only like 2 or 3 states that will do a PBO for TS and even in those, she has to be pregnant first and could simply refuse to agree to the PBO.  TS is a risk.  People jump into TS as fast as GS…but GS is pretty certain.  With TS, you only see the failures but those happen more frequently than GS.  People should be careful because that contract means very little. 

Now, I’m not likely to decide to parent.  I have my tubes tied for a very good reason.  I don’t want to parent any more children.  I can think of only one circumstance that I would question the hypothetical baby going home with her parents.  It is unlikely in the extreme and truthfully I don’t want to bring any babies into my home…but I would bring a baby home to protect it if absolutely necessary in one specific circumstance…but still only until social services could be involved.  But like I said, that circumstance is unlikely in the extreme; I know my IPs. 

What circumstance?  Abuse to the existing child/children in the family.  I’d call social services but I wouldn’t want the baby to go there until they had been cleared of abuse.  Or wait - I thought of a second but related circumstance:  if the existing child/children are removed from the family by social services during pregnancy, I would probably argue to keep the baby with me rather than let it go into the foster system until the parents can sort through their issues…and even then, I might hesitate. 

Does that make me a bad TS who will break my contract?  I guess so…but I’m okay with that.  I’d rather be a bad TS than have a child come back later and ask why I sent them to parents that were known to be abusive.  It won’t happen with J&S; they’re wonderful parents.